In Baby News …

So I haven’t showered in … 3 days? And now would be my chance, except, “Dont’cha understand, ma? I gotta write?!

I’ve got blogging fever right now and I really want to keep it going. And I want to keep taking and ORGANIZING pictures. I’m feeling particularly good today in the few moments when I can squeeze in some writing and such.

Plus, looking out the window – it’s REALLY windy today – so I don’t think we’ll be going on a walk any time soon. And the post-office is closed today… So why do I need to have clean hair?

Moving on …


Eating with Baby

Eating with Baby 2

As I’m sitting here eating lunch bouncing Sebastian on one knee, holding a bottle in his mouth as he’s too young to do so himself, and eating with the other hand, I’ve realized, “Hey, I’m actually good at this!” Good in a way that I know my husband, and even many of my friends are not. I was holding a baby and his bottle, eating, and reading through my email, responding with one hand at the same time. It happened because I was determined to eat in one sitting while it was hot. After popping up and down several times to stick my face down at eye level where he was lying, and complaining, in his play gym, I scooped him up and grabbed the bottle with barely an ounce of cold expressed milk out of the fridge and ended up here.

And when I realized that there was no way my husband could manage to feed Sebastian a bottle and eat, much less be reading email, I felt talented! I felt skillful!

And I needed that, I really, really needed that. I feel extreme gratitude that I’m able to stay home indefinitely with my child, but I’m an intelligent 21st century woman, and I, of course, thought I’d be doing “more” with myself than this.

And I am, by continuing to write and imagine a creatively productive future for myself. I’m trying to re-define what work and success means – I think we’ve been incredibly closed minded about this since we broke through the barriers that kept us out of men’s careers in the past. Yes, we can now do what men do. But what else can we do? Can we create a world where we get to use our skills and intellects in the adult world, while being present for our children?

That is the never-ending question for someone like me. Because I will never be happy being “just a mommy,” or “just a housewife.”


1. Sebastian has had two bottom teeth for a few weeks and the jury is out on whether he will be getting more teeth sooner, or much later. But something may be happening because he has been quite irritable the past few days, grabbing fist-fulls of my hair – right at the roots if it’s pulled back – kicking and hitting me as he lies wide awake next to me in the wee hours of the night, and BITING me. (And he’s barely 5 months old, mind you, so none of this is conscious on his part and there isn’t really a way to modify his behavior, aside from reading his mind and fixing whatever it is that’s making him so discontent.)

He bit me really badly two days ago, bad enough that I’m panicking in my mind about what I will have to do if this problem gets worse. I’m not able to produce enough milk by pumping to pump exclusively for him. I think I might preemptively order some of those nipple shields. Yeah, even if I never use them, I think it will be better to have them around in case he does another angry clamp-down on my sore nipple. The pain of the abrasion he gave me is this searing, shooting pain I’d rather not make worse.

2. I got my period in the middle of the night last night. Wah, wah. 🙁 And I don’t understand why, since I breastfeed exclusively. My midwife had told me I could be fertile as soon as I missed a night feeding – and I don’t feed him for most of the night anymore. But still, since I’m still the sole source of nourishment for this growing boy, I thought my period would stay away longer.

So my to-do list now has at the top:

  • Order Diva cup online
  • Call midwives for birth control appointment
  • Oh, and order nipple shields.

As for the birth control, I think the safest thing to do while breastfeeding is the IUD … but it just gives me the heebie-jeebies for some reason, so I don’t know …. Any other suggestions?

Ha! I just might have time to shower before he wakes up!!! (She writes, just as he begins to stir in the other room …)

Me and Baby

Midnight Musing With Baby

It’s been a rough couple if weeks. Things had been fantastic at the beginning of the three month mark; Sebastian was sleeping longer and more regularly each day. I was feeling more well rested, was exercising, and feeling slightly productive during his nap times.

Then we decided he had grown out of his infant bed and was ready for the big bassinet (not the crib in another room, not yet). Now we are back to square one. So I’ve been struggling the past couple of weeks. Not sleeping. Feeling pessimistic during the days because of lack of sleep. Back to barely managing anything productive in the day time because he won’t even take regular naps.

But, I remind myself to slow down again and enjoy this special time with Sebastian. Before he is old enough to push me away. Before another sibling is taking up my time. I relish the times he does nurse sweetly and cozily – because two weeks ago he would fuss, scream, and claw at me while nursing. (Just last weekend we went out and about all of Saturday, buying shoes for both if us, looking at bikes, eating sushi, generally enjoying shopping and eating out after Tim had worked two weekends in a row, and after leaving the bike shop he pointed out that the tiny claw marks were visible all over my chest and décolletage).

I remind myself, in the worst moods, that it is merely lack of sleep that makes me feel hopeless and overwhelmed, and that it will pass. Things will begin to get easier again (I was recently told this happens around four months, so I’ve got a couple of weeks to go).

I truly enjoy this little guy snuggling up in my arms. His personality comes out more every day. And this evening I was trying to straighten up his room and began folding up things he has outgrown to put away. I couldn’t believe how tiny some of them were. Then when I came to our bedroom to go to bed I couldn’t believe how big he has gotten in his bassinet.

Then just when i’d finished brushing my teeth, he woke up, fussed, then smiled at me, and I picked his heavy little body up. I am now nursing him while I write this.

And doubtless, later tonight I will fall asleep in this chair for another couple of hours, wreaking havoc on my neck, my back, and my mood. He’s been averaging six wake-ups a night and it’s killing me. But I’m okay with that. This baby-tending can totally suck at times, but I’m well aware that it passes all too quickly and that I will look back and romanticize this quiet time in the night when I provide all to my little one.